I’ve been having a lot of conversations with various friends on this topic, and I just wanted to jot down some thoughts quickly.
College provides a unique social opportunity in which you’re thrown together with a group of other people your age and endless chances to socialize are presented. A lot of people (myself included) end up finding someone they want to date long-term. Other people use the time to sample all the goods.
But what happens after college?
Some people get lucky. They stay in the same city/state as all of their college friends. We discussed this around graduation, how we sort of wished we had gone to a state school so that we’d all be sticking around and could continue to hang out together. Some of my friends stayed in Chicago, and they still do stuff together.
The other option is moving. I have a few different friends who’ve moved to various cities and have found themselves adrift. Without college or grad school to provide a social environment, they’re suddenly at a loss for a social life. This isn’t their fault. It’s not because they’re awkward or strange. Think about it. You’re in a new town with a new job and no other contacts in the city. Where do you find friends?
Work friends are generally ill-advised because that means you take your work home with you. Trust me, I’ve gone the work friends route (when I was working in Topeka). You end up talking about people from work, talking about work, and …sigh…it sucks. (Not that I hated my Topeka friends. They were/are great people, but it meant thinking about work all the time).
The only recommendation I’ve been able to give is to join a gym, or a club based on an interest. That can be scary though. I’ve noticed that people my age seem reluctant to go to an event or meeting alone. They’re worried about sitting alone or not knowing anyone, and they need an anchor. I would suggest trying, just once, going to something alone. Go up to someone and introduce yourself. Try to make friends with strangers. If they think you’re weird/crazy, who cares? You’ll never have to see them again.
I think the problem becomes more pronounced when it comes to dating. In college it was staggeringly easy to meet people. After college- bars? clubs? work? (NO.) It becomes a lot harder to meet someone on a more than one night basis. One cheesy suggestion would be to watch Sex and the City. The girls on the show are always being asked out and meeting people random places.
I think most guys in college love the idea that they can hook up with girls but not have to date them. We, as women, have failed in this area. We have somehow allowed this to be the norm. Yes, it’s fun sometimes, but overall, it makes finding a guy to date extremely difficult. Giving away the farm, so to speak.
After college, men move to a new city and get a job. Suddenly the routine sets in. Go to work, come home, figure out what to eat for dinner, watch tv, go to sleep. Minor variations depending on the guy. Suddenly he’s lonely. Suddenly, having a girlfriend seems like a great plan. She would keep him company. He could bring her to work functions. They could go out together for dinner and to bars. Maybe she’d cook or clean? This bachelor pad is kinda gross.
In my opinion (and feel free to debate me in the comments) men of our generation join the “real world” and realize their fantasies of going to bars and picking up women, being the big bachelor stud, are just that- fantasies. The idea of having someone around for constant companionship (and constant sex) is pretty tempting. Therefore, only after the well has run dry (after college there is not a constant supply of girls willing to date you), do men realize that a relationship is exactly what they want.
So where do you meet Susie Homemaker with a sex drive? Bars=sleazy. Work=bad idea. I’m not entirely sure what the answer is here, because I haven’t been looking (obviously). Some of my friends have suggested coffee shops or parks. I am pretty active on yelp.com and they have local events posted often that sound like fun. But there’s one resource that I think some people overlook.
THE INTERNET.
Internet dating isn’t for creepers. Think about it. Everyone our age owns a computer. We’re into efficiency. We all have facebook profiles. Plant that facebook profile on a dating site, where the goal is to meet people to date, and wham! What a good plan. Unfortunately, internet dating has a bad reputation as the last resort of pathetic losers. Granted, I haven’t tried it (again, duh.), but I would if I were single.
I have a friend who just signed up for internet dating on match.com. I’m going to check in with her progress, while keeping it anonymous for her, and report back on the good, the bad, and the ugly.
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Also, my friend Megan Brown wrote a series for our college paper, The Daily Northwestern, about internet dating. It can be found here. (multiple parts)
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